'I am leaving.'
This is the hundredth time I have said this to you. You are sitting with your feet up on our sitting room table and from across the room, I can see two foxes of fear sprint across your eyes. They hold hands, they look at me raw, and disappear. ‘I’m leaving you.’ My nails are digging crescents into my palms.
‘But,’ you scrape a hand across your jaw and consider this, ‘I love you.’ This is enough. It always is. My insides unroll for you. You tender the wounds and we play chess naked and fall asleep, bodies like olive branches. The next evening, it will be the same again. I will tell you that I am going. You will soften for me. The foxes will cry at the discontent.
We are loving each other futilely. We’re playing Kiss Chase on a knife edge, I say ‘I’ve finally got you’ and hold you hard enough to break your back. You let me every time. You say ‘you’re mine’ and push me off every bridge you can find. Hold my hand at the last minute and sometimes we go over the edge together. Sometimes the water kisses us. Sometimes it turns us inside out. Either way it’s heartbreaking, either way it’s an adventure.
On the phone, my mother sighs and tells me ‘leave him.’ And I cry and hold myself and tell her that I am still trying. My father promises that he will break you into tiny little pieces and you laugh and stroke a finger down your chin and say ‘he needn’t worry. You’ve already done that.’ In the evenings I sit on your lap and you lick salt tears from my face and leave handprints on my ribcage.
We argue like acid rain. In our darkest moments we are bitter and hungry and furious. When I am cruel, I leave with no warning and do not come back for days. When you are cruel, you drink and smoke 20 a day. You threaten to fuck my friends. We fall in and out of love with each other like the tides at midnight. I want to say ‘here is the door, here is my kiss, pick one.’ I want to say that I love you but I cannot keep breaking my spine for you. Instead, I tell you that I am leaving and you tell me that you love me and we fill and empty each other again.❞
There’s no poetic opinion, just an opinion. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a healthy argument every once in a while at all. If you’re in a relationship and you have opinions that are differing, they tend to come about even if you want to avoid them. However, fighting every single night is extreme and it doesn’t sound enjoyable. What do you fight about? If it’s things like politics, or religion, or music, or books then, yeah, it just means that y’all have a lot to say and sometimes it’s not always the same thing but if you’re needlessly fighting over your relationship, then you need to take a step back and consider why it’s happening and what you can do to stop it.
i started my last year of university today and i already feel stupid and inadequate and shaky and disorganised and like i’m going to fail everything and i just want to cry for a hundred years this is such an important year and i’m fucking terrified i’m going to mess it all up
Thank you for putting imperfect there. Thank you for this message entirely.
Right here darling x
Thank you thank you thank you
one aspect of my personality that I am incredibly fond of is my sheer stubbornness. once I’ve made a decision to do something, there is no power that will shake me from doing it. like when I swore to myself I would never again speak to the last man who hurt me and even though my knees shook some nights from missing him, I didn’t go back there and I am fucking proud of my ability to walk away and stay away
That’s very sweet but I’m not even-tempered or sweet or very forgiving at all! I have my moments but most of the time I’m furious and swelling and all knuckles and teeth and if I write someone off once and solidify it in my mind that’s it, there’s no going back.
has anyone who works in retail ever had a moment where you’re serving someone and doing something really stupid like not being able to find the bar code on an item and you look up expecting them to be impatient but they’re just looking at you with the warmest expression on their face and a tiny lil smile